what goes through my mind is: is reminisce spelled right. it is, frick, i must really suck at spelling more than i thought.
i think of that song with Common and Mos Def called I Reminisce (i think). do you know it? "i reminisce, over, this chick.. something something blah..
the word makes me think of red.. a dark red.. almost maroonish.. on black and kind of cloudy mixed with very clean dark red.
it makes me think of people (usually it's college cats & old married husbands [you're not gonna find me sitting with a bunch of college chicks/married women so ionobout them) who sit with friends and just talk about high school. i don't really like that. Kristoff Krane has a book that touches on it (& he says it better than i do). i developed that stance in highschool.* i do it sometimes but rarely for the sake of it. like one time recently i was with a few dudes.. and 2 of them were going back & forth with mentioning people from high school. it was a sad pattern.
"let's see, remember.. hmm.. oh! remember so&ME:whogivesadamn?" "oh yeah! hahahaha! that dude/girl was crazy!" "bhal bhal"
in my pointless opinino, when you're trying to remember someone from high school to mention in a convo for the sake of 3 sentences encompassed by laughs.. & then doing it again and again, it's pretty sad/boring.
*particularly with the older cats, it's like high school was they best years so all they can do to feel good is reminisce about they prime. i'd like to think today/tomorrow is in my control enough to make it better than yesterday. like tomorrow isn't here, so it still has the potential to be the best day ever.. so i'm lookin forward to it, instead of trying to marinate in a past pleasure.
i don't really like reminissing, mostly because i value regret, which i'm not afraid to apply to my past, & also cuz the past "good" things aren't here with me now, so i consider them meaningless in most ways. i tend to only value things that are infinite or have an infinite effect in a way that i value (yeah so dont come at me with some butterfly effect theory, i'm well aware of it).
(i know only about half the songs you mentioned. lemme know when justin is in soCal, then i'll have an excuse to valley it up)
i kind of hate you for getting me to type too much. ... ..yeah i hate you.
my favorite song i think in my life is Contact by As Cities Burn (http://www.sendspace.com/file/v4jkw3). i like to listen to it in the dark with good speakers/headphones. makes me stop thinking and just kinda truly exist for a second. when i was a cry baby it did wonders too.
it's also a really cool song cuz the time signature changes from 5/8 to 6/8 every measure (in the first verse). i dont know if you know what that means but it's pretty creative/cool music theory-wise.
another song by them that haunts me is Timothy (http://www.sendspace.com/file/zpivjb). it's about how timothy (he played keys i think in Jonzetta) killed himself (i think after a fight with his girl.. or so it's rumored). that song haunts me. it's 12 minutes long with the second half improvised in 6/8. it's not a very likeable song (ie it doesnt sound pleasing.. until the the improv part, then it sounds beautiful). it sticks on me because i have no idea what it's like to have someone you love die on you (another song that gives me the same feeling is Testing the Strong Ones by Copeland). everyone i know who has died never really had an effect on me. i remember a few years ago i was at my grandpa's funeral and i felt very guilty about not feeling guilty.
"how did you know him?" "he's our grandpa." "ohh *using a cautious voice* were you close?" "naw, haha." "ohh, haha, well i'm sorry for your loss. *smiling*" "haha, thank you. *smiling*"
my mom stilled cried like a year after his death. now that im older i wish my grandpa was alive because i think back and talk to my mom about him and i realize he was such an amazing man (from what my mom tells me about his history, and also the things i remember from being a kid.. i realize how cool he was now that im old enough to comprehend). im similar to him i think i'm his reincarnation.. & i'm proud of it. i think i remind my mom of her dad, in a very good way.. except for the times when i'm a rebellious selfrighteous a-hole to her. she still cant help but think im adorable though heheh.
i wanna know what it's like to love someone so much that when they die i'll be trippin balls to the point where im stressing about whether there is a heaven, hell, nothing, or whatever and wondering where they are to the point my knees are shaking from the fear from wondering such unknowables. i dunno if i could even care about a person that much.. except for maybe that girl im in love with heheh.
"take me back to where i was before i was born.
it's like sweet & dreamless sleep it sounds like heaven to me."
as you can surmise, i'm very excited about dying.. but i'm trying to learn how to appreciate life more.
those two songs are best at explaining my mindset/demanor in being alive.
writing about this just made me go kiss my mom on the cheek jeez.
the butterfly effect:every little event, no matter how small, makes an impact on the future. like a butterfly wing flap could contribute to a storm on the polar end of the globe. so what i meant was.. im aware everything does have a everlasting effect in a sense.. but i dont know! hahaha. i say i dont know a lot recently cuz i honestly dont know. im not even sure about freewill (ive been reading too much science).
you know how people say not to regret, cuz bad things usually happen so something good can take place?* i can see that and appreciate it. all the time. but i want to think people have freewill, and that i could be just as happy without the wackshitpast.
i call that Grace/forgiveness.. not in spiritual/God sense but a natural sense. like Grace is a natural cycle of life.
but'course, i dont know. i dont even really belive in right/wrong, but oh how i want to. it would give decisions meaning&purpose.
i dont like living without purpose/meaning, but im trying to get used to it.
one thing im sure about is that existence is special.. & i dont mean humans in particular.
make me the mix, you know you got time. what do you think about me?
2 comments:
what goes through my mind is: is reminisce spelled right. it is, frick, i must really suck at spelling more than i thought.
i think of that song with Common and Mos Def called I Reminisce (i think). do you know it? "i reminisce, over, this chick.. something something blah..
the word makes me think of red.. a dark red.. almost maroonish.. on black and kind of cloudy mixed with very clean dark red.
it makes me think of people (usually it's college cats & old married husbands [you're not gonna find me sitting with a bunch of college chicks/married women so ionobout them) who sit with friends and just talk about high school. i don't really like that. Kristoff Krane has a book that touches on it (& he says it better than i do). i developed that stance in highschool.* i do it sometimes but rarely for the sake of it. like one time recently i was with a few dudes.. and 2 of them were going back & forth with mentioning people from high school. it was a sad pattern.
"remember 'So&so'?"
"yeah!! hahah.. (s)he blah blah & blah.."
"yeahhhhh! hahahah.."
"haha.."
"let's see, remember.. hmm.. oh! remember so&ME:whogivesadamn?"
"oh yeah! hahahaha! that dude/girl was crazy!"
"bhal bhal"
in my pointless opinino, when you're trying to remember someone from high school to mention in a convo for the sake of 3 sentences encompassed by laughs.. & then doing it again and again, it's pretty sad/boring.
*particularly with the older cats, it's like high school was they best years so all they can do to feel good is reminisce about they prime. i'd like to think today/tomorrow is in my control enough to make it better than yesterday. like tomorrow isn't here, so it still has the potential to be the best day ever.. so i'm lookin forward to it, instead of trying to marinate in a past pleasure.
i don't really like reminissing, mostly because i value regret, which i'm not afraid to apply to my past, & also cuz the past "good" things aren't here with me now, so i consider them meaningless in most ways. i tend to only value things that are infinite or have an infinite effect in a way that i value (yeah so dont come at me with some butterfly effect theory, i'm well aware of it).
(i know only about half the songs you mentioned. lemme know when justin is in soCal, then i'll have an excuse to valley it up)
why did you ask about Reminisce?
youre right and i wish it was a chick thing.
i kind of hate you for getting me to type too much. ... ..yeah i hate you.
my favorite song i think in my life is Contact by As Cities Burn (http://www.sendspace.com/file/v4jkw3). i like to listen to it in the dark with good speakers/headphones. makes me stop thinking and just kinda truly exist for a second. when i was a cry baby it did wonders too.
it's also a really cool song cuz the time signature changes from 5/8 to 6/8 every measure (in the first verse). i dont know if you know what that means but it's pretty creative/cool music theory-wise.
another song by them that haunts me is Timothy (http://www.sendspace.com/file/zpivjb). it's about how timothy (he played keys i think in Jonzetta) killed himself (i think after a fight with his girl.. or so it's rumored). that song haunts me. it's 12 minutes long with the second half improvised in 6/8. it's not a very likeable song (ie it doesnt sound pleasing.. until the the improv part, then it sounds beautiful). it sticks on me because i have no idea what it's like to have someone you love die on you (another song that gives me the same feeling is Testing the Strong Ones by Copeland). everyone i know who has died never really had an effect on me. i remember a few years ago i was at my grandpa's funeral and i felt very guilty about not feeling guilty.
"how did you know him?"
"he's our grandpa."
"ohh *using a cautious voice* were you close?"
"naw, haha."
"ohh, haha, well i'm sorry for your loss. *smiling*"
"haha, thank you. *smiling*"
my mom stilled cried like a year after his death. now that im older i wish my grandpa was alive because i think back and talk to my mom about him and i realize he was such an amazing man (from what my mom tells me about his history, and also the things i remember from being a kid.. i realize how cool he was now that im old enough to comprehend). im similar to him i think i'm his reincarnation.. & i'm proud of it. i think i remind my mom of her dad, in a very good way.. except for the times when i'm a rebellious selfrighteous a-hole to her. she still cant help but think im adorable though heheh.
i wanna know what it's like to love someone so much that when they die i'll be trippin balls to the point where im stressing about whether there is a heaven, hell, nothing, or whatever and wondering where they are to the point my knees are shaking from the fear from wondering such unknowables.
i dunno if i could even care about a person that much.. except for maybe that girl im in love with heheh.
"take
me
back
to
where
i was
before
i was
born.
it's like
sweet
&
dreamless sleep
it sounds
like heaven
to
me."
as you can surmise, i'm very excited about dying.. but i'm trying to learn how to appreciate life more.
those two songs are best at explaining my mindset/demanor in being alive.
writing about this just made me go kiss my mom on the cheek jeez.
the butterfly effect:every little event, no matter how small, makes an impact on the future. like a butterfly wing flap could contribute to a storm on the polar end of the globe. so what i meant was.. im aware everything does have a everlasting effect in a sense.. but i dont know! hahaha. i say i dont know a lot recently cuz i honestly dont know. im not even sure about freewill (ive been reading too much science).
you know how people say not to regret, cuz bad things usually happen so something good can take place?* i can see that and appreciate it. all the time. but i want to think people have freewill, and that i could be just as happy without the wackshitpast.
i call that Grace/forgiveness.. not in spiritual/God sense but a natural sense. like Grace is a natural cycle of life.
but'course, i dont know. i dont even really belive in right/wrong, but oh how i want to. it would give decisions meaning&purpose.
i dont like living without purpose/meaning, but im trying to get used to it.
one thing im sure about is that existence is special.. & i dont mean humans in particular.
make me the mix, you know you got time. what do you think about me?
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